My High School Crush Was My Best Friend- A Real Life Story.

“Calvin, enjoy these five years because they will be some of the best moments in your life,” my dad told me as I headed to bed. Hungry, edgy, excited and completely entrenched in anxiety for my first day of high school, I turned off the light and closed my eyes. When I get up, I would be ready to begin a new chapter.

The movies show us exactly what my dad told me. High School does have some of the best moments in life. From 80s classics like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Fast Times at Ridgemont High to 90s and early 2000 blockbusters likeAmerican Pie, love was always the main focus. Love makes everything interesting and that’s why there are so many stories about love. I literally took this to heart, which is why above getting good grades, meeting new people, leaving school for lunch, and skipping a few classes, there was one aspect of the high school experience that I desired more than anything else:

I wanted a girlfriend.

I basically spent the majority of my high-school experience looking for a girlfriend. Unfortunately, when I found girls I had feelings for, nothing ever happened and I knew it was my fault. There was one girl in particular however who really got to me. A girl I met in my first year and crushed on for the rest of my time as a secondary student. For the sake of privacy, let’s call her Allison. We met through a mutual friend but didn’t really start talking until grade 8 drama class during the 2nd semester. While I had a colossal crush on her, I was always too chicken shit to do anything about it. Every time she came near me, I would become reckless. I’m sure she noticed too as I swear sometimes she would stare at me on purpose knowing I would have difficulty making eye contact and then jump from her sheer sexiness. Everything about her gave me butterflies in my stomach. The way she smiled, the sound of her laugh, and the way the smell of her perfume would linger for minutes after she had only briefly passed by. On top of that, she gave off this sort of confidence in her demeanor that I found so damn attractive. I think other guys saw it too, as she went through multiple boyfriends in my five years of desiring her. We became good friends. Yes, of course, I wanted more. I wanted more every time we hung out after school or when she came to my house to record songs and watch movies with me. But would I do anything to make us happen? No. Hell no.

To this day, I still don’t know if she ever really had feelings for me. I guess I never thought about it even as our friendship grew and she started to talk to me on a more personal level. I was so focused on listening to her, trying to show her how much I cared, how much she truly meant to me. I would do anything she told me to and stop anything she didn’t want me to do. While I thought this goody good BS would help me, I basically ended up friend-zoning myself. She had complete control over me. I was terrified and love struck at the same time. Shit was crazy.

She knew I loved her. She would be crazy not to know because I told her as many times as I possibly could. While I don’t remember how it came up, I remember telling her in 2009 that I never kissed anybody before. I remember this led to one of the most awkward experiences I’ve ever had. She was at my house at the time and sitting beside me but I texted this to her as I obviously couldn’t say it to her face. I remember her picking up her phone, reading it, and quickly replying only to give me the world’s sexiest wink as my phone vibrated. My heart dropped and my brain exploded as I couldn’t believe what it said: “I can make that change tonight.”

Damn. The girl I had been dying to get with just offered to kiss me. Not because we were dating, but because I was a loser and had never kissed a girl before. I didn’t care, though. It was going to happen, and I couldn’t be more terrified. I think the world could feel my terror that day, thus doing everything in its power to amplify it. Soon after she revealed she would kiss me that very day, guess what came on TV? Seriously guess. Think of the worst possible movie ever to come on given my situation. Ok you’re wrong it was Will Smith’sHitch… Yup. Fucking Hitch. The movie that poked fun at Paul Blart for his lack of experience with women. And yes, there is a particular scene solely dedicated to the concept of the first kiss. You know, the part where Will Smith says, “8 out of 10 women believe that the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship.” Yup. That’s exactly what I needed to hear on this exact day, exactly after I admitted my exact kissing experience to the exact girl I wanted to kiss. Fuck you Hitch. Fuck you so much.

Well, the day went on. We talked more about school. I listened to her as she told me about the troubles she was facing at home and how she had an English essay due soon that she hadn’t started. Of course, all of this didn’t matter in the moment. All I could think about was the first kiss headed my way. This girl has had many boyfriends before and after she knew me. She even made out with a guy once while I stood sadly and awkwardly beside her. My chances of being any good are like… not any good. Not good at all. We went up to my room and she started playing one of my own songs where in the lyrics, I say “lean into me and kiss me.” While looking at me, she would replay that one line over and over again until I got the hint and leaned in. When our lips met, I remember thinking, “what the hell do I do with my hands!?” and because I didn’t know the answer, I kept them to my sides. Picture it, my arms stayed down and my eyes stayed open as I wanted to soak in as much of this moment as possible. I cringe just writing about it. After no more than five seconds, she pulled away and we never spoke of it again. Ever. We treated it like it didn’t happen.

Sometimes it feels like it didn’t.

I learned through becoming best friends with my high school crush that life is nothing like the movies. Yes, certain aspects of it may be there, but the first kiss doesn’t come with romantic music in the background or slow motion effects. I admit it, I’m a sucker for those kinds of movies and I seriously wish the groundwork they laid out rung true in my own reality. Maybe as a guy I shouldn't be admitting this, but I hope some guys feel the same way. We all want love.

It’s been ten years since I first laid eyes on Allison and fell in love. She has been going steady with a guy I’ve never talked too and they have a son whom I’ve never met. Regardless of the paragraphs she wrote in my 12th grade yearbook about how we would be friends forever, Allison and I don’t really talk anymore. Other than the occasional personal message regarding a movie we both just watched or receiving a like on a witty Facebook status, our lives no longer intersect. Truthfully, I still think about her from time to time. Not because I still have feelings for her, but because of how much life has changed. She’ll always have a special place in my heart. Ugh… cliché, but seriously, I weirdly miss crushing on her and the feeling I would get whenever we hung out. That just doesn’t exist anymore. As I wrap this up, I wonder if she will read this blog. I still have her on Facebook and she may very well come across it. I think I want her to in a way. I think writing this helped me gain some closure on that time in my life. Maybe it will help her too. Writing an ending to a chapter long ago that had been so abruptly left with no one to finish it. Here is my ending. As a movie lover, every story needs an ending. While I have no regrets, I would encourage all those with crushes to make your move. You can do it. I couldn’t bring my fantasies to reality, but maybe your life can play out like a movie.

Here's a remix to a Kanye West song that I wrote on the whole matter:

https://soundcloud.com/calvin-kalvonix-tiu/broken-heart-kanye-west-robocop-remix

Here's that scene from Hitch:

Emma Stone got it right in Easy A:

#firstlove #crush #highschoolcrush #johnhughes #easya #hitch #fasttimesatridgemonthigh #onthehook #likeamovie